I always felt different when I was younger and I could never figure out what it was.
I felt that I didn't fit in with everyone else. I always thought I was on the periphery and always felt as though I had to fight to be 'part of the gang'. I kind of felt like I didn't belong, but didn't understand why.
I always shied away from certain stuff that the 'lads' did. A lot of it didn't really appeal to me. I liked sports, I liked having fun. I even liked being a 'lad' some of the time. It's just that I found some of the stuff they did immature, childish. They didn't even think about what it was they were doing half the time and I couldn't figure out why they acted like they did, talked about other kids the way they did and always spent their time posturing and trying to outdo each other like they *always* did.
And even up to the time I had left University and was building a life in London with a whole bunch of new friends, I still always felt as though I wanted to be part of this. To be 'accepted' and to be the popular rugby-playing, out-on-the-town, hard working, good catch type of lad. I actually found myself working hard at trying to be what everyone else was.
That is, until I realised that the 'gang' I was trying to be a part of, wasn't the gang I should have been trying so hard to be liked by.
The 'gang' I really was part of, was a totally different gang.
And you know something? I knew that way back in school days as well, but I just didn't sit up and listen!
I felt as though I had to work at being part of this 'set up' because that's what I thought everyone was like but I just didn't want to be part of it enough. I wanted to be 'one of the crowd' but just couldn't bring myself to play at being someone I was not, just for the sake of being accepted by people that I didn't really consider to be true friends anyway.
And yet I still kept on trying.
Why?
Don't get me wrong this wasn't something I spent a lot of time worrying about but I just think subconsciously I was trying to fit in all the time and didn't realise why exactly it was that I didn't.
I grew up as an only child, my mum bringing me up by herself after her and my dad separated when I was three so I learnt from a very early age to be comfortable being on my own and make my own entertainment.
I used my imagination a lot I had (and still do have) a very imaginative mind so I used to make my own amusement. Which of course lead to me being comfortable being on my own and not worrying too much about being around other people in fact I liked and still like my own space a lot.
This didn't mean I was a loner it's just that I didn't have a problem being alone.
(although I do remember often thinking how good it would be to have a brother)
It's just that I remember feeling that this is what everyone was supposed to be like and although I didn't actually agree with the concept, felt like I should be trying at least.